Hurt
by leavinghope
Summary: Bucky Barnes had a complicated history with pain. Perhaps learning to listen to it would help him claim his life again.


Bucky Barnes didn't want to fight anymore, but when Captain America needed him, Bucky couldn't say no. Sam Wilson understood Bucky's need to avoid violence and only reached out when his team was stretched thin. So, when asked to help bust an international child trafficking ring, Bucky heeded the call. He had gotten away without killing anyone, but ended up with some deep bruises, abrasions, and a dislocated elbow. That Parker kid had noticed Bucky holding his right arm to minimize jostling and informed Sam, which is why Bucky grudgingly found himself in the med center of the rebuilt Avengers compound instead of on a short flight to the small house he had built for himself in the rolling hills of Maine.

The doctor was kind, though. Gentler than what Bucky had grown to expect over the years. Her soft touch reminded him of Sarah Rogers, attending to Bucky's wounds after he finished the fights her son Steve always started.

To avoid falling into the painful lure of those thoughts, Bucky focused on the woman in front of him. Doctor Helen Cho was far too qualified to be nursing Bucky. He knew her history: a brilliant geneticist, her unwilling role in the Ultron fiasco, and her previous work at the Avengers compound. Catching the contemplative look in her eyes, Bucky sensed her empathy towards him, her understanding of the power of mind control and being compelled against one's will. He relaxed a little.

"I'm going to work on the wounds on your hand first, Sergeant Barnes."

"Bucky, please, Doctor Cho."

"Then call me Helen." She dabbed antiseptic on the cuts on his knuckles. "Sorry, I know this stings a bit."

"It's fine."

She hummed as she finished cleaning up the cuts on his hand. "Alright, now lift your left arm, please."

Bucky raised the lightweight vibranium prosthesis so she could see the bruises on his side. She pushed with increasing pressure in various locations. "Does this hurt?"

"No."

Helen gave him a spectacularly unimpressed look at his reflexive denial. "Would you tell me if it did?"

Now that was a simple question with no simple answer.

In his years of captivity, Bucky had learned to dissociate himself from the pain, as much as it was possible, of course. It had been necessary, both because any sign of pain brought punishment and because the pain never stopped. Bucky had spent decades in unrelenting pain and had managed to relegate it to background noise most of the time. But his **c**omplicated history of masking his pain began long before his capture. Bucky had learned to hide the pain of being the eldest sibling, the older brother to three sisters, comforting them while watching their father battle with shell shock after World War I. Of watching his mother struggle to keep the family together. Of cuts and bruises and never letting a whimper escape his lips in case Steve found out Bucky never did like to fight. Of keeping bedside vigils for Steve while concealing his fear of losing him. Of Sarah watching Bucky and knowing what she saw and loving him just the same. And then the war came for him, and Bucky had to hide his pain while being tortured in Azzano, then hide the pain at his horror at what had been done to him, as his body and mind fought to reject it and he fought to hide it from Steve.

Pain had been a constant in his life until Wakanda, a blessed respite before half the universe disappeared and returned to a life that had moved on without them.

After decades of practice, the truth boiled down to this. "I don't feel much pain."

"You should learn to."

Bucky looked up at her in surprise.

"You may lower your arm now." Helen turned her attention to his right elbow. "I'm going to need to reset this."

"Don't worry about it." He shrugged. "It'll heal."

"But to heal correctly, it's best to set it in place and immobilize it for a period of time." She maneuvered a high-resolution scanner over his forearm and elbow while watching the visualization on the monitor until she was satisfied with the placement. "I will not perform any procedure without your consent. So, may I set it for you?"

Bucky nodded.

"Let me know if it hurts?"

Bucky merely looked at her in response. Helen walked over to one of the storage cabinets to retrieve an elbow brace. "Feeling pain is nothing to be ashamed of."

He cocked his head at her, puzzled by her statement. "I'm not ashamed of pain. I just don't feel it."

"But you are capable of sensing physical pain?"

"Yeah. Just tend to not notice it until it's above a certain threshold."

"But you are capable of sensing lesser amounts of pain?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Helen stared directly into his eyes. "Do me and everyone else on this team a favor and start paying attention, please? Pain is a useful diagnostic tool for us and for you. It can tell you where your limits are when you're out in the field, prevent you from jeopardizing your teammates or the mission. Your cells regenerate fast and your healing factor is way above average, but that doesn't mean you can't sustain permanent damage." Her gaze flitted over to his left shoulder and the scarring there. She continued in softer tones. "I realize you've learned to ignore pain for good reasons. For much of your life it was crucial for your survival. But now? Acknowledging the pain and listening to what it's telling you and treating it appropriately, _that_ could be the key to surviving."

Bucky wondered if she'd ever had this conversation with Steve. He understood the truth of her words, although he doubted he could be successful in enacting her advice. But at this point, what did he have to lose by trying? "Yes, ma'am."

"Okay, then." Helen placed the brace and a small cup on the tray next to the examination table. "There will be a point when the pain lessens a bit. That's when the elbow has returned to its correct location. I can see it on the screen, but it also helps me if the patient confirms the placement by communicating the change in pain levels. Would you please do that for me?"

"Okay."

"Thank you."

Helen carefully manipulated his elbow, and Bucky closed his eyes. He forced himself to sense his arm. It did hurt, and no matter how slowly the doctor moved it, each movement brought little jolts of pain. Until one movement didn't. "There."

He opened his eyes to see Helen grinning. "Looks good to me, too." She deftly placed the brace on his elbow, tightening it to her satisfaction.

"With your healing abilities, I estimate you should be fine to remove the brace in two days, so please leave it on for three."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And great work at listening to your pain. It matched exactly with where the scan said it should. I almost feel like I should give you a lollipop for being a good patient."

Bucky smiled despite himself. "Gee, thanks, doc."

And if smiling made his face hurt, Bucky figured he could be forgiven for not telling her that.

"Do you feel the ligaments and muscles repair as the cells regenerate, like Captain Rogers and Doctor Banner?"

Bucky concentrated. Now that Helen mentioned it, he could feel something like an itch, but deeper and sharper, near his elbow. It was a vaguely familiar sensation, like a constant undercurrent he had learned to ignore. He looked up at her in chagrin. "Yeah, I guess I do."

"Take this." She passed the small cup to him. It was filled with a purple liquid. He sniffed it, and she said, "It's formulated to take the edge off the pain, specifically for enhanced humans as yourself. It's supposed to taste like Doctor Banner's favorite blackberry pie."

Bucky was dubious about taking any drugs. "Does it have any side effects I should be aware of?"

"No. It's solely targeted towards the type of healing your ligaments are doing right now. Other functions will not be impaired."

"But if I should be listening to the pain, why should I numb it now?"

"Because we've already used it to diagnose and treat your injury." Her eyes twinkled, obviously pleased he was working through her advice. "No need to make you suffer unnecessarily."

He sniffed at the liquid again, then downed it like a shot of cheap vodka.

"Do you have any other questions?"

Bucky heard Helen's concern, and the question emerged before he realized he was going to ask it.

"How is he?"

Helen didn't have to ask who _he_ was. "His health is deteriorating, much like you'd expect for a man his age. The serum does not appear to be able to combat the passage of time. I don't think Captain Rogers will be with us much longer."

Pain lanced through him.

A world without Steve Rogers was unfathomable for Bucky. It was his greatest fear. The thought of losing Steve had haunted Bucky since he was old enough to understand the rattle in Steve's lungs and the uneven beating of his heart. As he fell in the Alps, he experienced a fleeting moment of blessedness it wasn't Steve who would die. He evaded Steve and his team for two years after having almost killed him, every blow echoing in his memory. Bucky had felt every second of Steve's journey to the past, felt every year of Steve's long life without him in the present. He had chosen to live in the Northeast to be close to where Steve was living, just in case Steve ever asked for him. Bucky could feel a pressure in the back of his mind, the security of Steve's presence in this life, and could not imagine its absence.

A sharp indrawn breath brought Bucky into an awareness of his surroundings. He looked up at Helen and was startled by the anger in her expression. "What's wrong?"

Helen cast down her eyes as she walked over to the wash station and said, "I'm sorry. It isn't my place to say."

"I don't mind." Bucky felt compelled to reassure the woman who had treated him with such kindness. "You can say anything to me."

She pulled the nitrile gloves from her hands and tossed them in the biohazard container. She scrubbed her hands, facing away from Bucky. "It's just…"

She finally turned towards him, her mouth twisted as she searched for words. "We just had this discussion about you needing to get in touch with your physical pain so you can be healthy, and then you shattered in front of me over the news of Captain Rogers' health."

Bucky ran his metal fingers over his face. He couldn't deny what Helen had witnessed even if he wanted to. He fought the tremble in his lips as he said, "My defenses have never worked against Steve."

"No, they haven't, have they?" Helen spoke with hints of both wonder and rage in her voice. "You held onto him all those years. I can't believe he just let you go."

Bucky immediately felt himself go into protective mode, ready to defend Steve's choice. But then he paused and felt his reaction subside somewhat at Helen's anger on his behalf.

"Thank you."

She shook her head, seemingly disappointed in herself. "For what? Behaving unprofessionally?"

"For looking after me."

That earned a smile from Helen. "Hey, you're not so bad. You actually listen to me, for one thing."

Bucky stood up from the examination table and attempted to put a bit of the old Bucky Barnes charm in his voice. "You deserve proper respect, Doctor Cho."

"So do you."

Bucky nodded his head in gratitude and gathered his gloves, shirt, and jacket. As he turned back towards Helen, he saw her quickly wipe her eyes on her sleeve. "Are you okay?"

"I guess I'm a little shattered myself, if I'm honest." Tears reappeared in her eyes. "After what happened with Ultron, all of the Avengers were so good to me. I was offered a position at Stark Industries, Ms. Romanov helped me find a therapist, and Captain Rogers… he was so comforting and reassuring. Kept telling me it wasn't my fault, what happened. He helped me get to where I am today, honoring Tony's legacy and supporting the Avengers with the technical and medical expertise the team needs." Helen folded her arms over her waist, as if shielding her vulnerability. "If he could abuse that much power for his personal gain, Captain Rogers was never the man I thought he was."

As Bucky pulled his t-shirt on, he remembered defending Steve in alleys, knowing he never started a fight without also taking a righteous stand. He remembered following Steve across Europe, trusting in his leadership and his judgment. Deep down, when he was at his lowest, knowing Steve still had faith in him helped Bucky defeat the worst of his nightmares.

When Bucky did not know who he was, did not know any identity beyond the Asset or the Winter Soldier, he knew Steve. Deep in his bones, deep in his gut, in his blood, he knew _Steve_.

He listened to his broken heart now and understood how Steve's decision to live in the past had deeply shaken his trust in his own memories, in his own mind. How afraid he had been that something was wrong with him, believing Steve would only make a right choice. To hear Helen's disillusionment loosened a knot in Bucky's chest, allowing him to take a deep breath for the first time in months. It was okay to think Steve did the wrong thing. It was okay to feel pain over Steve's decision. Bucky released his guilt at doubting Steve, and relief flooded in to replace it, although the disappointment and hurt would always remain.

"I guess he wasn't the man I thought he was either?"

At the small, questioning tone of Bucky's voice, Helen approached him. She opened her arms slightly, and he tentatively moved into them.

The last person who had hugged Bucky was Steve, but Steve would not be _the_ last person to hug him. Bucky rested his chin on Helen's shoulder and accepted the simple compassion behind it, let himself offer comfort to Helen in return. He allowed himself to believe he was worthy of such a gesture and felt hopeful for the first time since Thanos snapped him out of existence. Maybe he could move forward. Maybe, just maybe, there could be a future after Steve Rogers for Bucky Barnes.


End file.
